Why I Haven't Blogged

by Crazy Ivan

Alright, so I'm sure somebody noticed that it's been almost two days since the last blog post went up on this site and I felt that I owed everyone an explanation.  Now, I'm not going to come on here and just tell you that I'm tired after 13 hours at Dollywood and another hour or so of work on the computer every night.  I'm not going to say that the blog got pushed to the back burner last night in favor of things like lounging in the hot tub and sleeping.  That's true, but I'm not going to tell you that.

Instead, I'm going to concoct a nonsensical excuse that is far grander in scale:

Wednesday morning I was abducted by aliens.  A nearly perfect cyborg replacement was left in my stead so that my absence would go unnoticed and while it had plenty of Myachi skills to pull off being Crazy Ivan, a critical programming error left it unable to blog.  Something in the spontaneous creativity drive, I'm sure.

While this robotic replacement (which I affectionately refer to as "robo-me") was hanging out at Dollywood and giving me a much needed break, I was whisked away to a dying world in another dimension where time passes very differently.  I was there for years by the standards of the aliens that lived there, but when I returned to earth, only a day had passed.

I arrived understandably disoriented and was immediately put before their king.  The creatures, which called themselves "Gandalgoids", were squat, green and nearly perfectly rounded with a caterpillar like row of legs which they used for locomotion.  They also had three upper appendages which I can only describe as clawed tentacles, though that hardly does their utility justice.

The Gandalgoids were a dying race.  Their home world of Zerblaxia was being invaded my a malicious force of interdimensional property developers and the Gandalgoids had become lazy through generations of dependance on technology.  Their's was an almost sedentary lifestyle and with robots to tackle every menial task and necessary function of existence, they had all but entertained themselves to death.  This had served them well for centuries, but it left them too slothful to fight off the invading army.

After an exhaustive search of the various inhabited worlds in the multiverse, they happened upon Myachi and saw it as their only chance at salvation.  For a little over three years I trained them in the ways of Myachi Fu and slowly came to understand their language and customs.  By the time their army was ready to fight, the real-estate developers had taken over more than three quarters of their world, including all the beach front property.

When the time came for them to do battle, I was sent back to my homeworld.  It pains me not to know how my students fared, but given the difference in time between our dimensions, by now the war is long over and I can only hope that they successfully defended their planet.  I will never know for certain, of course, so all I can do is trust in the powers of Myachi.

Long Live Zerblaxia!

And in case and Gandalgoids are somehow able to read this in their dimension, Urpa gadthal cor gadas, zeblo calleen demsacto!