The Stupidity of Theft

by Crazy Ivan

Getting stolen from stinks.  There's a mix of frustration, anger, ineptitude and regret that all come rushing to the surface at once and combine to form a sense of overwhelming peccancy.  Theft is a violation of such a fundamental part of our general social contract; you get your stuff, I get my stuff.  When somebody takes your stuff you just can't help but reflect for a while on how fragile that agreement really is.

In case you hadn't guessed it, I recently had some stuff stolen from me.  It was nothing major, so don't be too worried about me.  It was a simple matter of setting down my backpack for 15 minutes and reaching back for it only to find an empty patch of carpet.

One would think that after several years living in New York City I'd know better than to take my eyes off my stuff for a full 15 minutes.  But we all suffer from occasional lapses in judgment and when we do, life has a way of forcing us to regret it.

So I notice my pack missing and the first thing I do is go through the aforementioned list of emotions and then I notify security at the place I was.  They were sympathetic but it was too late to stand any real chance of recovering it so I thanked them and continued on with my day back-packless.

Now that I'm a few days removed from the immediate upwelling of anger and frustration, I'm able to look back on the occasion with a bit more clarity.  When I do so, I'm left only to reflect on the stupidity of theft.  Of course, I'll never know who stole my backpack, but whoever it was saw it there, saw that nobody was keeping a close eye on it, swung in and snatched it.  A "crime of opportunity" they call it.  That person probably wasn't out looking for backpacks to steal; they're just the kind of human refuse that sees an unattended bag and steals it.

So they casually walked out of the store with my backpack slung over their shoulder.  They walked past security and even though there was a lump in the pit of their stomach, they stayed cool on the outside.  They walked away at a hurried pace, but they didn't rush.  They didn't want to draw any attention to themselves, but they were really curious about their bounty.  The backpack was pretty light so they'd probably already figured out that there wasn't a laptop in it or anything, but what did they get?  They couldn't just sit down in front of the store and start rooting through it because surely the rightful owner (me) would have noticed it missing by now.

Every step they took removed them further from the scene of the crime but the suspense also grew and eventually the thief decided that he was far enough away to look inside and see what they got.  And I can only imagine the disappointment on their faces as they discovered that the backpack contained nothing but:

• A kind of smelly green hoodie that was in need of a wash,
• A spare pair of socks,
• A few Myachis (which probably just left them scratching their head)
• A cord that connects something to a USB port
• A few business cards,
• A half eaten bag of Dark Chocolate M&Ms,
• A few hair ties,
• A Sharpie and
• Last week's inventory sheet from Toys R Us Time Square.

I can only hope that after seeing what a worthless take they wound up with, the fledgling criminal is dissuaded and realizes that there were probably easier and safer ways to get a hoodie and half a bag of M&Ms.  Ways that don't come with any potential prison time and don't leave me walking home from the Subway freezing while I try to figure out where I can find a new USB cord for my camera.

Now, to the thief all of this stuff is more or less worthless.  Sure, a couple of the Myachis were rare (including a Theatrix!) and a few of them were really yummy, but I'm sure they won't know that they have value.  My guess is that my back pack (or at least it's contents) got dumped in a trash can somewhere when their worthlessness was discovered.  A huge inconvenience to me that didn't benefit anybody and might have wound somebody up in jail.

There are a couple of morals to this story, of course.  The first is to always keep your eye on your backpack (I doubt I'll forget again) and the second (and probably more important) is don't be a thief.  Not only is it cruel and immoral, but it's also stupid.